I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
someone get that fucking seahorse.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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