I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
