You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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