Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
