Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
