At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
