dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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