i just had sex bonerless
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
