My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
