I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
