We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
