i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
