U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
