Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize
