Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
