Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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