I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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