Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
