omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha