Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
thus making me awesome and them whores
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
These 19 Sad People Chose Video Games Over Sex
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday