So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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