You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
