Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
