yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
