Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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