I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize