Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
