Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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