You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
