I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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