P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
