Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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