a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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