I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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