I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize