It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
