No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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