i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
