Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
