woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
