you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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