google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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