my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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