Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
