I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Drunk is a universal language darling
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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