When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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