i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
