I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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