So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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