That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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