Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
