My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
