Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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