I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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