someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
