I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
