I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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