I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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